A Fire Marriage Almost Broke Her. Almost.

What no one warns you about when you marry a firefighter is that the job doesn’t just shape your spouse — it shapes your entire life, your identity, and sometimes, your marriage’s survival. In this powerful episode of the Fire Family Collective, host Heather sits down with “Lóvely,” a former fire wife of 19 years, who opens up about navigating divorce while still deeply embedded in the fire life community. From the emotional weight of co-parenting with a firefighter ex, to the identity crisis of peeling the fire wife sticker off her car, Lovely’s story is raw, real, and deeply relatable.

This is the episode the fire community rarely talks about — the end of a fire marriage. But what emerges isn’t a story of bitterness. It’s a story of radical rebuilding — of a woman who went back to school to become a nurse, modeled strength for her teenage children, and found a hard-won peace she’s not willing to give up. 

Takeaways

• Identity loss is one of the most underestimated challenges of leaving a fire marriage — many fire wives don’t realize how much of themselves they’ve tied to the role until it’s gone
• Silence breeds resentment, and resentment pushes people toward decisions that don’t reflect who they truly are — speaking up early can change the trajectory of a relationship
• Firefighter schedules create a unique strain on new mothers that can be the earliest crack in an otherwise solid marriage
• Kids are more perceptive than parents give them credit for — they see the unhappiness even when parents believe they’re hiding it
• Financial independence isn’t just practical advice — it’s a form of self-respect, and every fire spouse should have a plan to support themselves regardless of how solid the marriage feels
• The fire community can be a source of both judgment and incredible support during divorce — finding your safe people matters more than ever in that season
• Rebuilding after a fire marriage isn’t just possible — it can become the greatest period of self-discovery and growth a woman experiences in her life

Transcript

Heather Arnzen (0:20):

Hi everyone. Welcome to the fire family collective podcast. My name is Heather. This is my first time hosting. I am so excited and also a little bit nervous. So we'll see how this goes. But less about me and more about the topic of today's podcast. So today's conversation is going to be about a part of the fire life that isn't talked about enough. What happens when the life you built inside the fire life changes or ends?

Lovely (0:46):

Thank you. Yeah, I was married to a firefighter for 19 years. I definitely saw all aspects of that from starting out as a paid call firefighter and then working all the way up through the municipal fire department.

Heather Arnzen (2:05):

Okay, so you've been kinda through it all from the beginning, it sounds like, with your husband, started a family together, and now kinda a little distance from the divorce, it sounds like.

Lovely (2:21):

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I can say a little distance from the onset, but still very much when you're co-parenting and trying to figure all of that out, you don't get the opportunity to distance yourself too much. So still very much intertwined in our lives, but the shock of it and the emotion of it is more regulated now for sure.

Heather Arnzen (2:52):

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you're not in the thick of it, but also still trucking along. Yeah, along. You don't get to avoid it. It's still going to be there. But I feel like you're at a point where you can kind of reflect a little bit, sounds like.

Lovely (3:28):

I would say that initially after my first child was born was when I realized that maybe I was not equally paired with my partner. Definitely the schedule is so hard on new moms.

Heather Arnzen (4:19):

Yeah. And your body's recovering too. Your body's, you yourself are recovering on top of taking care of it all. And then those shift changes of doing it all on your own. Were you also working at the time as a nurse?

Lovely (4:37):

I was not. I was very fortunate in that I was able to stay at home with my kids for the most part. I actually decided to become a nurse when I knew for sure that things were not going to work out and I knew I was going to need a way to support myself. So that was a choice that I made further down the road.

Heather Arnzen (6:22):

So do you feel like there was like a balance of just the schedule impacting and kind of like that resentment or do you think there's more so emotion like emotional and what kind of impacts do you think the job like emotionally impacted your husband in any way?

Lovely (6:51):

For me specifically, don't think I really knew, I don't think I knew my husband that well when we got married. And I thought I did, but it's also different when you're seeing them come up in a job that demands so much and demands so much compartmentalization of their emotions.

Heather Arnzen (8:02):

You have the rose colored glasses on.

Lovely (8:05):

Yes, and then it's like, but he's gonna be a firefighter, right? We like that. Certain things like his compartmentalization of things and his lack of being able to empathize, his lack of being able to show up emotionally in our family. I blamed the department a lot.

Heather Arnzen (9:02):

Down a tough, yeah, and it's down a tough path and almost like spirals together of just growing. So when you were kind of going through all of it and you had decided divorce was basically the path you guys were going down, how was it with like the department? Did you feel like you had to hold everything together? Was there like distance with friends maybe you've made at the department or like what challenges did you face?

Lovely (9:42):

I think that I had definitely not realized how much of my own identity was wrapped up into being a fire wife. And one of the first things he did was, you know, rip that sticker right off my car. And, you know, just kind of like a petty thing, but also a like, wow, that is part of who I am and how I identify myself.

Heather Arnzen (11:22):

There's kind of been a balance of all the different aspects between people who maybe are seeing you and seeing your openness and going to you for support in their own ways, maybe because they feel isolated. And then the cold shoulder ones, and then the ones who are kind of keeping things friendly, it sounds like.

Lovely (12:44):

I think that that's a really complex question, even for me knowing myself well. There was a point where I had a tragedy that occurred in my life and my husband was not emotionally supportive or empathetic and very much it was very much that he didn't feel his marriage should have to suffer because of my tragedy. So I think that was a turning point for me where I knew that we were not in a partnership and that I was being seen as almost like property to him.

Heather Arnzen (14:13):

It's almost like you put your eggs on all in that basket of support. They need the support. They need the support too in all of it. It's not only them working towards their future, but us choosing to support them and working towards our future as a whole.

Lovely (16:10):

Absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's really tricky because in my mind, and I'm sure you have listeners all over the world, I happen to live in a state that is, it's a no fault 50-50 state. So I was entitled to half of his pension, which I gave up. I did not take his pension and I don't take alimony.

Heather Arnzen (17:27):

It sounds like you were at a point of not, you were trying to be the most emotionally mature and also protective over yourself and your kids of providing something to protect yourself to get to a point where you're safe in life, but also providing your kids that safety as well.

Lovely (18:17):

You know, having to pay me out of his pension. So it felt like the right thing to do. And it also feels like something I would never advise someone else to do ever, like take your pension. That's, I will stand by that. You earn that.

Heather Arnzen (20:01):

Going back to kids because I'm like, I mean, this job impacts kids. How, how are you able to like, talk to your kids about like, were they little babies when it happened? Were they a little older?

Lovely (20:17):

No, they were they are teenagers. My oldest is actually she's 19 and then my youngest is 16. So they had seen they had seen that things were not working out. Kids are so perceptive. They know. And that's another thing I would say is that you might think you're hiding it from your kids. You're not. They know. And they didn't want us to be unhappy either. They wanted for us to have a fair shot.

Heather Arnzen (21:13):

Okay, so we had some technical issues. Unfortunately, we lost the second half of this episode. We are so grateful that Lovely is able to be back here to help us kind of finish up the rest of this episode and rerecord because we think that the rest of this episode was a very important part of the conversation.

Lovely (22:11):

Yeah, so my kids were definitely aware that my husband and I were not happy. They had seen us fighting. They were very perceptive about everything.

Heather Arnzen (23:35):

Yeah, I think that that is like, honestly, so important, especially with them being at that pivotal age of coming into adulthood. It's really important for them to see, especially see you and what you're doing because I feel like we lose ourself and you've had this unfortunate but also fortunate opportunity to kind of rebuild yourself. Could you tell us about like that shift?

Lovely (24:16):

Yeah, I have absolutely tried to model for my children what a strong woman looks like. I have really tried to embody the fact that I never want my daughter to feel like she's stuck. I never want my daughter to feel like she has no escape or like this is the best it's going to be for her.

Heather Arnzen (26:20):

I am curious what I hear like the empowerment of yourself of like how strong you are with the words that you're saying right now. Was it like that when you were going through the actual divorce process? Did you get to a point before? I mean, I know us as Fire Wives, we are strong. We are strong women. We have to handle this life.

Lovely (27:02):

Absolutely healing. I think that I had mentally prepared myself for some of it. I had walked myself through how am I going to feel walking into my closet and not seeing my husband's clothes there? How am I going to feel when I have to do all of the things all on my own all of the time? And I had mentally prepared myself for it, but nothing prepares you for the reality of the situation.

Heather Arnzen (28:14):

You're welcome.

Lovely (28:35):

I know you. I know exactly who you are. I know how to predict how your behavior is going to be. And you just kind of settle into it.

Heather Arnzen (29:08):

What steps did you take to kind of rebuild this life of yours and rediscover yourself and who you are outside of this role as the Firewife? You know, we get so attached to this as like who we are. How did you kind of rebuild yourself and rediscover who you are?

Lovely (29:35):

There definitely was a shift. Definitely felt I mourned the loss of my identity in that way of not being a fire wife anymore.

Heather Arnzen (31:20):

Yeah, I feel like this whole topic is very under talked about openly. I feel like it's very important for us to be kind of opening this up for people to see because this is something that unfortunately does happen a lot in this community. Not all the time, obviously.

Lovely (33:08):

Absolutely. You know, I, nobody gets married thinking that they're going to get divorced someday. You know, we go in with the best of intentions and when we're standing up there saying those vows, we mean them. We're not saying them like, you know, I didn't stand in front of my family and friends and swear to God that I would love this man forever only to 20 years later be like, eh.

Heather Arnzen (34:44):

Finally.

Lovely (35:45):

Gosh, that is a very big question because this has been a time of like unprecedented growth in my life. I have learned about myself that in my old life I was willing to let people treat me like crap in order to make them feel better. I was willing to take all of everyone else's pain and I can remember shortly after us splitting up and him just probably for 45 minutes just berating me, just telling me every awful, horrible thing that he probably had been storing up for years. And I just sat there and took it and I didn't fight back and I didn't say anything back and I've really, especially this year, tried to be thinking more about embodying the mentality of a rose. A rose is so beautiful, so fragrant, you know, one of, like the flower that means everything. But if you mess with it and you don't respect it and you get poked by a thorn, that's on you.

Heather Arnzen (37:38):

It sounds like you've set some clear boundaries that are strong and are also discovering some inner strength and appreciation for yourself too. What I want to know, what does like co-parenting look like? How does that come into play with you and the kids and how?

Lovely (38:15):

Yeah, really does suck. It's really hard. It's tricky because at first I definitely tried to maintain his fire schedule and work around that so I would schedule myself on his days off so that he could have the kids and he wasn't missing any time and ultimately, my kids were going back and forth way too much. It was way too hard on them.

Heather Arnzen (40:34):

Thank you for sharing that. That's a really interesting too, because I feel like it does, like you said, it would probably be different if it was younger children, like if it my kids or something, because I have a three year old. So it is interesting to see how different dynamics, different family systems kind of all work.

Lovely (41:16):

I would say to not be silent. The silence is what in my experience can build resentment and I think resentment can make you make choices that are not in alignment with the type of person you are or who the choices that you want to make. They can make you make decisions that are outside of what you know and ultimately the silence in that silence you're betraying yourself which is the worst betrayal you can do. Don't suffer silently if your husband is willing to try to get some help.

Heather Arnzen (42:46):

Yeah, or even therapy for yourself, right? Because we can't, what is this saying? Like we can't help others if we're not taking care of ourselves. I don't know what the exact saying is, but it's that idea. Yes, yeah.

Lovely (43:25):

Yeah, but if so if you can save it if your husband's willing to work on things if you feel like you can meet in the middle then do that but if not then have a way that you're going to be able to support yourself financially have a good support group and start making plans to get out I mean I support that 100 %

Heather Arnzen (44:27):

What ways can the fire life, fire wives, how can we help someone who might be going through a divorce or a situation like this? What ways would you have liked to seen people help or what ways did work?

Lovely (44:51):

It's such a tricky thing because you need to feel absolutely safe. And I would love it if the fire department was a completely safe place where you could reach out to your fire sisters and they would support you. I don't know if that's the case in every department. And I would love to see more community and more honesty and just openness without judgment like across the board like the husbands need it too you know but the wives.

Heather Arnzen (46:22):

Yeah, I appreciate because what you are doing right now is opening it up, you know, you're opening up conversations and someone to might be listening and being like, I'm not alone, you know, and maybe they will then ripple effect, reach out to someone else, you know. So I think it is I agree with you, like having someone who will just listen, not judge mentally.

Lovely (48:06):

I really love who I am right now. And I am unapologetic about the space that I take up and the choices that I make and the peace that I feel in my home, the peace that I am able to give my children. I'm really happy with the growth I've seen in myself and just kind of the love and the peace that I've maintained in myself. I feel like I'm not a bitter woman anymore. I'm not angry. I'm not resentful.

Heather Arnzen (49:28):

Sounds like, sounds like you're feeling more whole and more healed. You know, I can hear it in the way you're speaking and the way this conversation has gone is just like a very strong woman. I'll say that. Yeah, very, very strong. So I'm going to go ahead and close this out with a quote that says, whether you're in the middle of a hard season, rebuilding after loss or simply trying to hold it all together. Your story matters and there is a life, identity and purpose beyond every chapter, even the ones you never expected to end. Thank you guys for listening and I hope everyone has a great day. Bye.